The Day I Realised I Was Losing Her – and What I Did About It
Table of Contents
There was a moment a few months ago – nothing dramatic, no big argument – when I asked my eldest how her day was and she shrugged. One syllable. That blank, slightly irritated look that said why are you even asking.
She used to tell me everything.
I laughed it off. Teenagers, right? This is normal. This is healthy. She’s separating, becoming her own person, finding her tribe. All the things we’re supposed to celebrate. But underneath the reasonable voice in my head, there was something quieter and more honest: a kind of grief. The feeling that I was slowly becoming irrelevant to someone who used to need me for everything.
I didn’t have a name for it yet. Then I read Gordon Neufeld’s book.
Who Are Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté?
Gordon Neufeld is a Canadian developmental psychologist who has spent decades studying attachment in children. Gabor Maté – whose name you might already know from Scattered Minds or his work on trauma – is a physician and author who co-wrote this book and contributed the medical and neuroscientific lens.
Together, they make a formidable pair. Neufeld brings the theory; Maté brings the clinical humanity. The result is a book that is equal parts rigorous and devastating – in the best possible way.
It was published in 2004, which means it predates smartphones and TikTok. And yet it reads like it was written last week.
The Idea That Reframed Everything
The central concept in this book is peer orientation.
Not peer relationships. Not friendship. Peer orientation – when a child’s primary attachment shifts away from their parents and toward other children. When peers become the source of identity, belonging, safety, and guidance.
Gordon Neufeld’s argument is blunt: this is not normal. It is not healthy. And it is not inevitable.
Children are biologically wired to attach to adults first. When that attachment is strong, children naturally orient toward parents for cues – what is safe, what matters, who am I, what do I do when I’m scared or lost or confused. When that attachment weakens, they don’t simply become independent. They fill the gap. And they fill it with whoever is available – which, in most children’s lives, means other children.
Other children who are equally lost.
The problem is not that your teenager cares about her friends. The problem is when friends replace you as her primary anchor. And modern life, Neufeld argues, has made this easier than ever – screens, peer-dominated schools, overscheduled lives, parents who are exhausted and distracted. We have inadvertently handed our children over.
I sat with that for a long time.
It’s Not About Keeping Them Away From Friends
I want to be clear about this, because I got it slightly wrong at first.
Gordon Neufeld is not saying children shouldn’t have friends. He is not advocating for some kind of sheltered, parent-centric childhood where peers barely feature. Friendship is wonderful. Friendship is necessary.
What he is saying is that peers should not be a child’s primary attachment figure. There is a difference between your child having rich, joyful friendships – and your child using friends as a substitute for the connection they need from you.
One is healthy. The other is, quietly, a crisis.
Counterwill – Why More Discipline Makes It Worse
This chapter stopped me in my tracks.
Neufeld introduces the concept of counterwill – the natural, healthy instinct in children to resist direction from anyone they are not attached to. It is not defiance. It is not a character flaw. It is biology.
When a child is well-attached to their parent, they follow the parent’s lead – not because they have been punished into compliance, but because they want to. Attachment creates the willingness to be led. When attachment weakens and peer orientation takes hold, the child resists parental guidance – not to be difficult, but because we are no longer their anchor.
Here is the devastating part: when we respond to this resistance with more discipline, more pressure, more consequences – we damage the attachment further. Which makes the counterwill stronger. Which makes us push harder. Which makes everything worse.
I have been on that spiral – still am, if I am honest. Far from nailing this, trust me.
The solution is not more discipline. It is more connection. Full stop.
What I Actually Changed
Gordon Neufeld’s most practical concept is “collect before you direct.”
Before you ask anything of a child – to do their homework, to come to dinner, to stop what they’re doing – make contact first. Eye contact. A smile. A touch on the shoulder. Get them with you before you ask anything of them.
One moment of genuine connection before the ask. That’s it.
I also started taking his “reunion ritual” seriously – the idea that when a child comes home after school, or wakes up in the morning, that reunion moment matters enormously. Don’t lead with logistics. Don’t immediately ask about homework or what happened in PE. Be present. Greet them like you’re glad to see them.
It sounds almost embarrassingly simple. And yet I had completely stopped doing it.
The other thing I changed – and this was harder – was letting my children cry. Not frustration tears, not manipulation tears, but genuine tears of sadness. Neufeld calls these “tears of futility” – the moment a child finally accepts that something cannot be changed, that something is genuinely sad, and lets themselves feel it.
I used to rush to fix it. To distract, to reframe, to make it better. Neufeld says: stop. Let the tears come. These are healthy. This is emotional maturity in real time.
I am still learning this one.
The ADHD Thread
Two of my three children have ADHD. This section of the book hit differently.
Neufeld writes that neurodivergent children – particularly those with ADHD – are especially vulnerable to peer orientation, because they so often feel different, misunderstood, or on the outside. Their need for belonging is acute. And because they sometimes struggle to connect with adults in conventional ways, they turn to peers even faster.
The answer, he says, is not less attachment work – it is more. These children need stronger anchoring to a safe, consistent adult. They need the parent to keep showing up, keep collecting, keep being interested – even when it’s messy, even when the connection feels fragile.
That reframed a lot for me.
Practical Takeaways
- Collect before you direct. One moment of genuine contact before any request. Make eye contact, smile, connect – then ask.
- Prioritise reunions. When they come home, greet them first. No logistics, no questions. Just glad-to-see-you.
- Let the tears of futility come. When your child is genuinely sad – not performing, not manipulating – resist the urge to fix it. Sit with them. Let them feel it.
- Look at your own attachment signals. Are you leading with warmth or with demands? Are you connecting or correcting?
- Be curious about what they care about. You don’t have to love their music or their games. But being interested in what interests them is a direct investment in attachment.
- Don’t compete with peers – anchor. You will not win a battle against a teenager’s friend group. You will win by making yourself a safe, reliable, interesting presence. That’s the long game.
Why This Belongs in Heart
I put this book firmly in the Heart category – not just because it’s about children and family, but because it forced me to ask an uncomfortable question: am I actually present with my children, or am I just nearby?
There is a difference. And I had confused the two for longer than I’d like to admit.
Notes from Soph
I want to be honest with you: I have not transformed into some Neufeld-certified attachment parent since reading this. I still get it wrong. I still lead with logistics. I still sometimes greet my eldest with “how was school?” when I should just be saying hello and letting her land.
But I have a framework now. I have language for what I was watching happen – that quiet drift – and I have something to do with it. Collect. Connect. Be the anchor.
Some days I manage it beautifully. Some days I completely fail. Most days are somewhere in between.
Et toi? If you’re parenting a teenager, or even just watching your child start to pull away – I’d love to know if any of this resonates. Because one of the things this book gave me, unexpectedly, is the reminder that I am not the only parent grieving that shrug. Leave a comment below or come and connect in the Notes from Soph community on Skool – I have a feeling this one will start a conversation.
We are all still figuring it out.
Notes from Soph | Learning, not perfection.
Have you read Hold On to Your Kids? Or are you in the middle of the teenager years and wondering what on earth happened to your child? Tell me in the comments – I genuinely want to hear.
If you’re exploring attachment and communication with children, you might also like my post on How to Talk So Kids Will Listen – it pairs beautifully with this one as the practical toolkit to Neufeld’s theory.
Book Details:
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers – Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté
Published 2004 | Ballantine Books
📚 Amazon https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/178504219X/?tag=websitenote0f-21
🎧 Audible https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Hold-On-to-Your-Kids-Audiobook/1473593670
Disclosure: affiliate link – if you buy through this, I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Thank you!
Gordon Neufeld’s research and training programmes can be explored further at neufeldinstitute.org.
